“Fuck you. I don’t even know you, but fuck you anyways. I’m not like other teens, I mean I am but this hat shows I’m edgy and not like Them. I’m into reading because it’s not cool, but not like 50 Shades of Grey because that shit’s gay. Ya I got kicked out of high school, who cares? Why buy into a system that makes me learn, when I can just learn from like my house, you know? Rebel against the man, man. I know smoking kills you, but what are life and death really? My friend in Intro to Philosophy got me reading Freud, and it’s some good shit. Maybe we are all obsessed with penises, you know? I drew three dicks today without thinking. Couldn’t even finish writing my name before another one just manifested on the page.”

 


“All around me there’s phony people, I hate it. If you don’t chain smoke three packs of cigarettes a day while contemplating how pointless life is, what are you even doing? These people, these big wigs in corporate America, they think us Hot Topic wearing teens are stupid. I think they’re stupid for not being in touch with their youth, you know? What if we’re the adults and they’re the children? It really makes you think.”

 


“Ever since JD Salinger wrote that book about me, people have been copying me like crazy. I saw that Augustus Waters kid from TFIOS and though ‘is that me?’ Nowadays I’m not even sure who I am anymore, not in an existential way but because I realized I’m just a cog in a coming-of-age teenage troupe that’s been repeated so many times it’s completely lost its edge. Augustus stole my smoking bit and got popular even without actually smoking, what’s next? Pretending to hold a cigarette and blow smoke?”

Holden Waters/Augustus Caulfield, circa 2030 in France

(Photographers Note: I would’ve included all the other quotes Holden gave me, but only 1/10 of them made any sense without being incredibly stoned or sentimental about your teenage angst days.)

Alex has an honorary doctorate from the Kim Dan Institute of Higher Learning in Book Reviews. He is also working on becoming ordained as a minister online.

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