Hello, it’s me. I apologize; I know you’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the last two months. I can see it now, you opening up the website every day, staring at your screen with dismay, a single tear rolling down your face at the realization that I’d stopped posting on one of my worst reviews. Don’t worry dear reader, I’ve seen your 1 view every other week, and it warmed my heart. I realize my mistake, and you can expect more Gatsby and Tiger Mother-level reviews in the future. I have a very good reason for being gone, and it’s one that is worth retelling.
It all started at the gay rodeo, as all good love stories do. I saw her from across the bar, short squatty and wearing glasses most likely bought from a carwash clearance rack. Our eyes met (well at least one of her eyes did, the other was lazing off a bit to the right), and they said hi, and we fell in love in that one instant. She saddled up to me and said “howdedo, mur name iyuz….kimmy.” She tried to whisper it seductively in my ear, but years of screaming hate speech into a megaphone had deafened her right ear.
I rubbed my ears to stop them from ringing and smiled back at her, noticing for the first time the disproportionate gaps in several of her teeth. In that instant I wanted her, I wanted her to Mike Hukabee on top of me. So I let her sweep me away, let Kim bring me to her Kentucky trailer park where we made raunchy love. We tried many things in the heat of passion, including rubbing a Totino along her humpback like in the SNL skit.
As the sun rose and our stamina was beginning to deplete, I too rose from the rancid mattress on the floor to grab a drink of water. The mildewed glass hovered underneath the faucet for only a moment before Kim shrieked “no! don’t drink it!!” She explained to me that she made and smuggled her own moonshine, piping it through the faucet I was just about to drink from. How could I help falling in love with her, you might be asking yourself right about now, and dear reader I have to say I agree with you. I snagged some thawed Totinos from the half-eaten box and got ready to leave, Kim sliding on her favorite cowboy boots which pinched her varicose veins. We walked to the door together while she picked her teeth with a bit of straw. I looked into her piercing falcon eyes as the flimsy door shut between us. I will never forget those eyes, the eyes of Kim Davis.
After Kim controversially refused to issue marriage licenses to gay people and was subsequently imprisoned, news of her illegal moonshine business was brought to light and I was put on trial as an accessory to the crime. To be the accessory of a 51-year-old hot Pentecostal momma and only get 6 months in jail was a miracle, and I ended up being let out a mere 3 months into my sentence for good behavior.
This, my friends, is where I have been the past weeks, wasting away in prison. I’m currently a college student, so prison life was an immediate adjustment. I already have no flexibility and live in a small cell with a backed up toilet, which made the meager living accommodations feel like home. I took Kickboxing as my PE elective, though I’d always wanted to take yoga or running but couldn’t get in because of the extensive waitlist. The perks of prison! I’m still trying to get my credits transferred as we speak. Arrowmark also serves food back home and in my correctional facility, so the rocks maggots drug trafficking and sexual misconduct were nothing new.
I took advantage of the free paper to write some reviews in the clinker, but had to use them as toilet paper because they were all shit. I have emerged from federal corrections a new woman, ready to create new stories, continue making knock-off Lush bath bombs for my soap business, and catch that damn chicken. I’m even going to release another review in a couple days just in time for the Oscars.
My name is Piper Chapman, I wrote Orange is the New Black, and I give the prison experience a 7/10.
Alex has an honorary doctorate from the Kim Dan Institute of Higher Learning in Book Reviews. He is also working on becoming ordained as a minister online.