For the first time in Tomestone history, we will be breaking a story of national importance. Internationally renowned director of films such as Spirited Away and My Neighbor Totoro Hayao Miyazaki announced that he will come out of retirement to direct one final film. In an attempt to refocus public attention on herself, the likewise famous JK Rowling announced recent plans to also feign retirement and “come back” in a couple years.

Rowling hinted at this plan in a recent tweet after the smashing success of Fantastic Beasts in box offices:

tweet

Rowling has been retroactively adding diversity into the series, announcing Dumbledore’s homosexuality and making Remus Lupin a metaphor for AIDS to patronize the few LGBT community members who still listen to “Born This Way.” All of this has been in an attempt to keep the Harry Potter brand alive, and by suggesting that Hermione could be played by a black woman Rowling broke up the approximately 99.53% of spoken dialogue by white characters with a dash of tokenism.

The author recently brought a glimmer of hope to a character she openly wanted killed; Ron Weasley has been announced on Pottermore to be a metaphor for white privilege in the series. “Only in a magical world of privilege can a straight white male who lives in a mansion with his family be considered poor or suffering,” she writes.

Rowling, after the smashing success of Fantastic Beasts and the release of her stage piece Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, plans to feign retirement just to return with another 20-year franchise. “I can’t live with just being a billionaire,” said Rowling, “I need to be talked about every five minutes otherwise I’ll explode.”

In order to brainstorm ideas for this upcoming franchise, Rowling turned to her signature source of inspiration: crowd-sourcing the Internet for ideas tweens are most interested in. Instead of sitting down and trying to come up with something unique, Rowling found an online magic generator and refreshed her screen until she found the perfect story according to insiders at Scholastic. After hunting down the generator she used, we obtained the following clue about the upcoming 15 films:

 The story is about an artistic coachman. It takes place in a planetary empire in an intergalactic nation. The issues of cybernetics and its effects on economics is a major element of the story.

Sources close to Rowling have confirmed plans to make an animated Harry Potter feature film so that Rowling can directly compete with Miyazaki. “She’s eager to be pitted against one of the legends of modern animation, someone with over fifty years of experience against a humble British author. After all, if Donald Trump can do it and win, who says she can’t?”

“She’s shown us some crayon sketches on a Macaroni Grill tablecloth that seem rather promising,” they added.

Not only has Rowling planned for the next half century, but she’s also looking beyond the grave. In addition to her newest series, she has begun drawing up plans for 5 posthumous books to be released in 8 month intervals following her scheduled death on 06/18/2040.

“Just like Emily Dickenson, I have about 1800 pages I’m planning to write and hide somewhere in my house,” said Rowling, “but I learned from her mistake. I’m going to put sticky notes on all the drawers with messages like ‘release on anniversary of Sorcerer’s Stone!’ and ‘tweet about how one of the characters is a metaphor for aging, just pick one.’”

Rowling has also hired a director to follow her around in her everyday life to catch candid footage for a documentary of “previous unreleased footage” to come out approximately 15 years after her passing. With 7 books published, 7/10 years of the next decade planned already, and a lot more work to do, Rowling is prepared to overtake the next generation just like she did with this one.

 

Alex has an honorary doctorate from the Kim Dan Institute of Higher Learning in Book Reviews. He is also working on becoming ordained as a minister online.

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