The worst feeling in the world is not being able to fall asleep. Whether there’s an upcoming test or you’re dreading waking up early, sleepless nights plague millions across the globe. There’s nothing worse than lying in bed dreading the exhaustion you’ll be feeling in the morning. Instead of lying there, next time pick up a copy of The Scarlet Letter instead!

One of the biggest causes of insomnia is having too much energy before going to bed. Working out can help reduce stress and allow the body to collapse into REM sleep from sheer exhaustion. However, why endure this physical effort when you can just crack open the riveting tale of Puritan 16 & Pregnant Hester Prynne. The only reason Hester remains a noteworthy literary character is because she stood on a scaffold while some people yelled at her for what, three hours? Sorry to burst your bubble HeS-T-D, Wendy Davis filibustered for 11 hours, and Mellie Grant on Scandal talked for 16 with a full bladder.

Sometimes your schedule cannot accommodate the time associated with working out, and herbal remedies are necessary instead. Why go through the trouble of brewing yourself a chamomile tea when you can just read The Custom House, the novel’s riveting introduction about a man working at a customs office (boring) that nobody comes to (even more boring). After reading a manuscript not about Hester and then getting fired from his job (which also had nothing to do with Hester), the nameless narrator decides to write the rest of the novel. I wonder, who could this narrator be?

As a final resort, over-the-counter medicines like Benadryl and Melatonin can help encourage sleep even when your body rejects it. My body likewise rejects the lukewarm plot of Dimmesdale crying and crying and crying about how much he hates sex with Hester. Dimmesdale ultimately suffers from being born in the wrong generation, his habit of screaming off the scaffold into nothingness perfect for shitposting on the Internet. Chillingworth likewise seems very out of place in The Scarlet Letter’s narrative, the 1800s version of your nosey neighbor who sits on his porch with binoculars every day.

This novel poses a multitude of ridiculous scenarios, like a meteorite that can somehow form a flaming ‘A’ in the sky, and the idea of this book getting published in the 21st century.  Nathaniel Hawthorne’s napsterpiece gets an undisputed 3/10, and 3 is even a little generous. I had to read through this book countless times because each time I’d try to read through the…

Ahem, sorry. I dozed off there for a second.


Alex has an honorary doctorate from the Kim Dan Institute of Higher Learning in Book Reviews. He is also working on becoming ordained as a minister online.


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