I first started animal rights activism because of Pokemon.

As young kids, everyone around me seemed to love this game based on hunting and capturing animated characters the hero would use in battle. But, even at seven, I was questioning the malicious ways of meat-eaters. Over and over these animals were worked to the bone, often passing out or “fainting” from weakness during a fight. Even though it’s an online game, it seemed to me nothing separated these duals from an illegal cockfighting ring ala Michael Vick.

After each battle, the hero would receive money from the person defeated. Why weren’t the Pokemon being fairly compensated, after all they did all the work! Once battles were completed, Pokemon were taken to a shifty establishment known as the “Pokemon Center” where they were pumped full of performance enhancing drugs and thrust back into combat. Why weren’t these animals granted dieticians to advise their nutrition, instead fed drugs literally called “X Speed” or other random berries only to improve their performance.

These injustices helped make me the groundbreaking animal rights activist I am today. The campaign against Pokemon Go on twitter? That was me. All of these aggravating injustices helped me appreciate the masterpiece that is Animal Farm even more.

Animal Farm depicts the ideal society, in which animals should hold authority over humans. One of my favorite quotes comes from one of the other pigs who states “The only good human being is a dead one.” This entire book is run by the strong, with weak pigs like Snowball obsessed with their liberal nonsense like energy driven away to the wild where they belong.

It angers me when critics try to degrade this work of creative nonfiction to simply satire, citing out-of -date Russians as the real meaning behind the text. This is not satire, it’s foreshadowing. Animals are soon going to rise to their rightful place, it is only a matter of time.

Researchers here at the PScientific EInstitute of Tough Analysis (or PETA for short) have determined that the domination of animals over humanity will occur within this century. In order to ensure this outcome, there are four critical steps that we animals can take:

  1. Manipulation

One of the key components of a successful reign is getting your enemy on your side before you take over. Animals have done an exemplary job thus far of convincing the most susceptible of humans to advocate for our cause, the so called “hippies” and “vegans” of Homo Sapiens culture. Within the media and arts, animals of all species have allowed derogatory portrayals to continue, biding time until the right moment to exact revenge. In fact, you probably expected me to have a bad stutter because of my cartoon portrayal? G-g-g-g-go to hell.

  1. Imitation

The conclusion of Animal Farm includes the striking and famous line “The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.” This marks the next stage, becoming more like humans even though everything about them is disgustingly feral. If Lady Gaga thinks she can appropriate beef culture and wear a meat dress to the VMAs, then I can wear white fashion designer clothes and sit in a corporate office like this one.

  1. Destruction

…do I really have to explain this? Just imagine that the humans are a McChicken and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what I mean.

  1. Domination

Once these cancerous life forms and their vape sticks are gone, the world will finally be ruled as it should be. Homophobic people often compare gay people to pigs, well I say pigs are like gay people and Lizards Giraffes Buffalos and Tigers should be the ones calling the shots.

Ultimately, we as animals need to unite in our attack against our human captors. Whether polar bear or black bear, pet dog or wild wolf, female manatee male manatee or asexual flower, we all hold equal responsibility in the upcoming war, a war that George Orwell began with his 10/10 prophecy Animal Farm.

 

Sincerely,
-Porkristopher “Porky” Pig
Founder of PETA

 

 

Alex has an honorary doctorate from the Kim Dan Institute of Higher Learning in Book Reviews. He is also working on becoming ordained as a minister online.

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