This is a story that the liberal media will never tell you. A story of the lies, deceit, and decades of planning one woman used to further systemic oppression and racism in America. This same woman, by the name of Hillary Rodham “Road Rage” Clinton, used her evil witch voodoo magic to try and suppress this story. However, after months of data collecting and seconds of skimming articles to fact check, we at Tomestone have come up with the not circumstantial at all story of her corrupt acts.

Hillary Clinton and her soon-to-be husband Bill wrote The Outsiders under a pseudonym to wage the war on poverty and use welfare to rob poor and black people of their rights. Let’s examine some of the facts of the case first. Hillary Clinton was born in 1947, which would have made her twenty at the time of the novel’s publishing. Since Hinton was allegedly “eighteen” at the time, this overlap is plausible, especially considering that the former First Lady lies about everything including probably her age.

For all of you who are clearly stupider than me, we also have to explain some background on the ClinHintons and the sordid history of her husband and womanizer Bill’s presidency. Thankfully with the internet it’s easy to find unbiased information (because all of it is), so a quick search of “Bill Clinton welfare reform racist” reveals all you really need to know about the subject.

The man skank also known as the 42nd President of the United States helped create a mentality in which we associate being on welfare as a negative thing, and many minorities particularly African Americans struggle to receive coverage. Welfare has become a way for people to justify racist ideologies through erroneous statements like “all black people are on welfare,” “they act as a burden to society,” or “I think Audi’s ‘White Power’ had the coolest car name.”

This same conflict of race and economic class serves as the main battle in The Outsiders. Despite the fact that both rival gangs the Greasers and Socs are white, the family of Ponyboy, Sodapop, and Darry Curtis all struggle with being lower middle class people, which is way worse than any minority, right?

Clinton, through this impression of a “hip” millennial she still uses on the campaign trail, attempts to convince young minorities that if they join a gang and don’t stay focused on annoying things like school they can still lead a happy life. Ponyboy has his close friend stab someone and get away with it (he did die but he wasn’t charged which counts for something.) Same with his friend Dally who got to rob a bank, point a gun at the police, AND get away with it through death. All Ponyboy had to do in punishment for being involved in a gang at a young age, fleeing from the scene of a crime, and harboring the fugitive/murderer after they both ran away was get slapped around by his brother a couple times. My mom beats me with a house slipper harder for saying “dạ mẹ” in a sassy way!

And I mean, come on. S.E Hinton? Hillary Rodham Clinton? They’re basically the same thing. If you put Hillary’s name into an anagram machine you get “A Chordal Hymn Trillion” and if you put S.E Hinton, it’s “I’m Hillary Clinton.” A coincidence? I doubt that. S.E Hinton’s full name is also Susan Eloise, another traditional name from the White Suburban Mother region of the US. It’s plausible Clinton stole the name from her doubles partner at the country club or maybe a fellow bridge player.

In the sake of fairness, this theory isn’t perfect. The Outsiders was published in 1967 and Bill didn’t even assume office until 1993. Also, at the time of publishing, Bill and Hillary hadn’t even met each other.

But, the whole case ultimately boils down to the simple fact that Hillary Clinton seems like someone who could do this. Is there any evidence that she wrote a book under a pseudonym 26 years before her husband became president, a husband she wouldn’t even meet until four years after the book was published? No. But if you squint your eyes at her wrinkly face, just look into those empty evil eyes, don’t you just get a hunch she could murder someone? I do, and if she could strangle a young girl with her bare hands and hide her in a Detroit park like she does in the podcast Serial, there’s no doubt Hillary Clinton could have been scheming America’s ruin since her birth.

After this news, I do not understand how anyone in good faith could vote for Hillary Clinton has a presidential candidate. She used an excellently written book under false pretenses to oppress honest American citizens, and if she becomes President she’ll do it to the entire world. This is bigger than some dead people in some country over on the other side of the map, this is war. I have no idea where Ben God See is, but I know unequivocally without a doubt that Hillary Hinton or whatever the she-devil calls herself is wrong in every situation, especially this one.

For this book’s rating, I’m giving it an 8/10 for its solid storytelling and writing despite the writer’s young age. However, this is a serious reporting website, so we need to be fair and deduct 37 points for the 37,685,848 African American people residing in these great states as of the 2010 census. Considering all the extreme injustices they have endured specifically because of SE Hinton, the least we can do is alter our rating to what it should be, -29/10.

 

Alex has an honorary doctorate from the Kim Dan Institute of Higher Learning in Book Reviews. He is also working on becoming ordained as a minister online.

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